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Post by ma bungo on Aug 2, 2021 17:31:00 GMT
A Glaswegian living in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest hooker they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat. "Are we feeling kinky tonight sir?" asks the madam. "No" he replies, "Just homesick."
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Post by ma bungo on Aug 2, 2021 17:33:14 GMT
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre
Claude the hypnotist explained "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, with the light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke.
It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude was never invited back.
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Post by itinerantchild on Aug 2, 2021 17:50:19 GMT
The war office knocked at a certain mr brown's house and upon his answering the door they said " we are from the war office mr Brown and we have come to offer you comensation for your efforts in the 2nd world war " !!
Mr Brown looked at them and said proudly " I took out three anti tank guns on my own, ran out under enemy fire and pulled back two injured generals to safety and ran down the beach to draw the fire from the planes so my platoon could get to safety. I think that if I am due comensation then it should be a lot " !!
The war office gentleman said "we understand completely Mr Brown, just name the amount and we will consider it" !!
Mr Brown went silent in thought for a few minutes then came up with his amount. He said " how about you give me one pound for every inch of my penis from my bell end down to my bollox", to which the war office guy accepted very quickly thinking that he was going to save the government a lot of money. He went to his car and came back with a tape measure and asked mr brown to take out his todger so they could see how much he was going to get !!
The man started measuring down from mr browns bell end, one inch,two,three,four,five,six,seven,eight then stopped and looked at mr Brown and asked " where are your bollox mr Brown"?
On the beach at dunkirk came the reply :-)
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Post by ma bungo on Aug 5, 2021 8:03:58 GMT
I can't believe I was so suspicious and paranoid about my wife having an affair that I forced us to move to the Shetland - far from anyone we know.
Imagine my delight when I found that we'd managed to keep the same window cleaner.
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Post by ma bungo on Aug 5, 2021 15:35:15 GMT
Two buckets of sick walking down the street. One starts crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"It's nostalgia."
"What do you mean, 'nostalgia'?"
"I was brought up round here!"
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Post by parrotandcrow on Aug 8, 2021 9:36:46 GMT
Our WiFi was out last night so I ended up chatting with my husband. I was surprised to hear he was no longer working in Woolworths…
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Post by ma bungo on Aug 8, 2021 12:56:28 GMT
A highland soldier goes into the chemist. He produced a handkerchief, and therein was a very patched and battered looking condom.
He asks the chemist how much to repair it, and how much to buy a new one?
The chemist replies that it is tuppence to repair it, and sixpence for aa new one.
The soldier thanks him, and leaves the shop.
The chemist hears quite a kerfuffle outside, raised voices etc, then he hears a cheer.
The soldier came back in and says 'The regiment has voted, we'll have a new one'.
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Post by ma bungo on Aug 8, 2021 12:59:37 GMT
Person goes into a cafe and sees the menu:
Freshly made pot of tea - 2.50
Freshly made sandwich - 4.50
Wank - 15.00
They see the server and say "Are you the one who does the wanking?"
"Yes"
"I'll have a pot of tea and a cheese and tomato roll...but first..."
"Yes?"
"Wash your hands"
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Joke
Sept 26, 2021 18:27:39 GMT
via mobile
ma bungo likes this
Post by bigbear67 on Sept 26, 2021 18:27:39 GMT
Young lad goes for a start on a building site.
"Can you make tea?" Asks the gaffer
"No problem at all" says the lad
"And can you drive that dumper?" Says the gaffer
"Fuck me" says the lad, "How big's the bastard kettle!?"
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Post by ma bungo on Sept 26, 2021 19:58:52 GMT
Jethro the sheep dog goes into cake shop and asks if they make birthday cakes with messages on .
We do says the assistant ,what would you like ?
Its for my girlfriend, I would like it to say
woof woof woof
woof woof woof
woof woof woof
Thats lovely says the assistant. That will be £20 as its 10 words minimum, would you like the extra woof ?
No thanks says jethro, it wont make sense
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Joke
Sept 27, 2021 9:03:35 GMT
via mobile
ma bungo likes this
Post by bigbear67 on Sept 27, 2021 9:03:35 GMT
Man goes to the dentist. "How much for the lot out?"
"Well" says her man, "We have a few options. Most popular is plan a. You are brought straight into the theatre with no waiting, put straight to sleep, then after all your teeth are carefully removed, you are fitted with custom made replacement dentures. Then before you even wake up, our fully trained staff transport you to our own private recovery suite at the coast for 2 weeks of complete rest & recuperation"
"How much?" Says the guy
"Well, it is very good, guaranteed no pain, no blood, & perfect fit dentures, but it is a little pricey at 18grand"
"Bloody hell" says the guy "Anything cheaper?"
"Well, there is plan B, not quite so popular" says the doc."You may have to sit in the waiting area for a while, its done under local anaesthetic, so you will be awake for the procedure, dentures are still made for you but not quite the same quality, & only 2 days in our recovery suite. Bit of pain, bit of blood, but much cheaper at only 3500 quid"
"Still a bit expensive" says our man "Anything else available?"
"Only other thing we could do" says the doc, "Is what we call 'plan c', not very popular at all, you sit on a kitchen chair in our back yard, no anaesthesia at all for this one, our maintenance man will pull your teeth, he's quite good with his molegrips. There's a big box of used dentures from various sources which you're free to choose from, then straight out into the back street! Lots of blood, plenty much pain too I'm afraid, but a very reasonable price at only 25 quid"
"Sounds more like it" says our man,"Can you book the wife in for plan c!"....
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Post by ma bungo on Sept 27, 2021 17:32:44 GMT
My trip to the dentist last week has become a joke , roots still in , hurts like fuck , and now been given antibiotics for an extra £6 . I will never ever go to a dentist again if the tooth does not actually hurt more than I can bare , and I can see that on the fucking horizon  Right enough of my woe  A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the goddam, mother fucking manager you cock-sucking arsewipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,"Excuse me, sir, but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the man asks, "Are you the chicken- fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," the manager replies, " and could I ask you to refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the man. " And where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano!" "Aaaah,"replies the manager. " You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man to the piano. " Can you play any blues?" "Of course I fucking can," and the man proceeds to play the most inspiring and honky-tonk blues that the manager had ever heard. "Why, that's superb, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the man knows any jazz. The man proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" " I want a wank over the washing machine but my bollocks keeps getting stuck in the soap drawer." The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if the man knows any romantic ballads. The man then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's that called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece." replies the man. The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the custumers. This arrangement works well for a few months until one night, sitting opposite is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her boobs are almost falling out at the top and the skimpy little G-string she is wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping down her chin. It is too much for the man and he runs off to the lavatory to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.He is pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.... "Where's the bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and - in a fluster - runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk all over your shoes?" "Know it?" the pianist replies...... "I fucking wrote it!!" cut and paste , obbs |
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Joke
Oct 25, 2021 18:39:44 GMT
via mobile
Post by bigbear67 on Oct 25, 2021 18:39:44 GMT
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Post by parrotandcrow on Oct 25, 2021 19:52:08 GMT
This made me smile. ☺️  |
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Joke
Dec 16, 2021 21:32:52 GMT
via mobile
Post by bigbear67 on Dec 16, 2021 21:32:52 GMT
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