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Joke
Apr 20, 2021 4:50:15 GMT
Post by itinerantchild on Apr 20, 2021 4:50:15 GMT
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
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Post by itinerantchild on Apr 21, 2021 4:34:46 GMT
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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Post by itinerantchild on Apr 22, 2021 4:29:59 GMT
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
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Joke
Apr 24, 2021 10:44:06 GMT
Post by itinerantchild on Apr 24, 2021 10:44:06 GMT
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
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Post by itinerantchild on May 5, 2021 4:31:50 GMT
A man goes to the doctor -
He says, "I don't know what's happening: I've grown a hairy chest, sideburns and I'm started talking in a Welsh accent.
"I seee boyo", said the doctor, "I think you have Tom Jones syndrome as there is a lot of it going around at the moment".
"I've never heard of that", says the man, "is it very common?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
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Joke
May 22, 2021 7:16:34 GMT
Post by itinerantchild on May 22, 2021 7:16:34 GMT
An Essex girl drops off her dress to the dry cleaners so that she has got something to wear the following weekend.
She drops it off and as she is leaving the lady who owns the shop says cheerfully "Come Again!"
The girl turns around, "No, it's toothpaste this time." :-o
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Post by itinerantchild on May 22, 2021 7:40:09 GMT
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Joke
May 23, 2021 6:14:20 GMT
Post by itinerantchild on May 23, 2021 6:14:20 GMT
Why did the fish blush ?
Because it saw the oceans bottom !!
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Post by bigbear67 on May 24, 2021 8:19:00 GMT
Man goes to doctors
" My dick's turned orange"
Doc looks & sure enough, bright orange. Nothing obvious, so he asks "have you changed your diet recently?"
"No" says the guy
"Do you work with any chemicals or anything?"
"No, I don't work at all"
"Well" says the doc,"What do you do all day then?"
"Well", says the guy, " I just sit at home, watching porn & eating wotsits!"....😁
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Post by itinerantchild on May 28, 2021 7:51:45 GMT
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The man, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a politician ” The thief replied, “In that case , give me my money!”
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Joke
Jun 6, 2021 7:23:58 GMT
Post by itinerantchild on Jun 6, 2021 7:23:58 GMT
Two good friends Paddy and murphy decide to go backpacking in Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie taxi drivers. They'll rob you blind so they will. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You make sure you haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen wave over a cab to get to their hostel. When they reach their destination, the driver says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you said Paddy. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,". "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds Murphy.
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Post by lika on Jun 14, 2021 16:45:04 GMT
A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint of Whitbread, before nipping to the gents'.
The barmaid places his pint on the bar, and out of nowhere a muscular black woman appears, hops up onto a bar stool, straddles his glass and trumps right into the ale.
The bloke returns from the toilet, picks up his pint, goes to take a sip and immediately wretches and heaves.
He looks around, wiping his mouth and spots the athletic black woman looking guilty at the other end of the bar.
"Oi," he shouts angrily, "You fart in my Whitbread?!"
"No," she replies, "I'm Tessa Sanderson."
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Post by itinerantchild on Jul 1, 2021 8:30:46 GMT
A topical european cup joke or three -
What is the difference between the invisible man and the welsh football team ?
You have got more chance of seeing the invisible man in the finals :-)
Gareth Southgate is known for being very strict and won’t stand any nonsense. In the group stages, he caught two fans climbing over the stadium wall and was very angry with them. He grabbed them and said: “Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!”.
During this years european cup tournament, the scottish team visited a local orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said David, age 6.
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Post by bigbear67 on Jul 1, 2021 10:42:27 GMT
What do you call bears with no ears? B What did he say??🐻😉 |
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Post by bigbear67 on Jul 1, 2021 10:58:01 GMT
So a rabbit walks into a pub & orders a pint of lager & a toasted cheese sarnie, eats it & leaves.
Next day the rabbits back, pint of lager please % a toasted ham sarnie. Day after he's back, "pint of lager please, & a toasted mushroom sarnie"
Next 3 days, no rabbit, then on the 4th day, he's back. "Just a pint please" he says.
Barman says " haven't seen you for a few days"
Rabbit says "No, I've been ill"
Anything serious? asks the barman.
"Well" says the rabbit, "the vet reckons it was mixing me toasties!"...😉🐻
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