|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Jan 14, 2021 17:34:17 GMT
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
£3
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 30 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at £270.
In one year, it would be approximately £3,240 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £3,240 not accounting for
inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
at £97,200 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 30 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your bloody Ferrari then?
|
|
|
|
Joke
Jan 26, 2021 15:30:33 GMT
Post by itinerantchild on Jan 26, 2021 15:30:33 GMT
Princess Diana and barbara windsor arrive at the gates of heaven. Arch angel Gabriel comes over and says " sorry ladies but with the covid crisis at this moment we are pretty full up. whichever one of you has the most to offer us is welcome in,so please let me know what you have got to offer "
Babs thinks about this for a second then rips off her t-shirt and shows Gabriel her two qualifications to which he is very impressed.
Gabriel says " I can see that they will be most useful. And what about you diana princess of wales,what can you do that beats that? "
Diana stopped for a minute and gave the situation some good analysis then had her lightbulb moment. She pulled her knickers down and removed a can of coke from her bag which she started shaking vigorously. Once it was well shaken she cracked the ring pull and sprayed the drink up her vag.
Gabriel was very impressed with this and said instantly " welcome Lady Di,please come on in ".
Barbara was quite put out by this and questioned Gabriel to why her two most redeaming qualifications were not as good as Diana squirting pop up between her own legs.
Gabriel said " well, the answer is quite simple Babs, everyone knows a royal flush always beats a pair !!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by lika on Feb 3, 2021 21:57:08 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by itinerantchild on Feb 8, 2021 6:55:40 GMT
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman - Snowballs
|
|
|
|
Post by lika on Feb 8, 2021 19:32:44 GMT
After shagging Emma Watson, there are 3 things you should know.
First her xxxxx is tight as fuck, a real struggle to get in to, secondly she takes it over her face without any complaint & thirdly the staff at Madame Tussaud's are miserable fuckers with no sense of humour at all
|
|
|
|
Post by itinerantchild on Feb 11, 2021 18:08:01 GMT
A blonde and a brunette are walking through a forest when the brunette says " oh dear, look at that dead bird " to which the blonde looks up in the air and says " where " !!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 11, 2021 21:32:36 GMT
Blonde rings the fire brigade says " My house is on Fire " Fireman says " How do I get there " Blond says " In your big red Lorry "
|
|
|
|
Post by itinerantchild on Feb 15, 2021 9:11:02 GMT
How does a Rabbi make coffee ?
Hebrews it :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 15, 2021 17:06:01 GMT
What do you call bears with no ears?
B
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 15, 2021 17:08:44 GMT
My new girlfriend says that having a small penis shouldn't effect a loving relationship!
I would rather she didnt have one though
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 15, 2021 17:09:13 GMT
Paddy found a note stuck on his door from his saucy blonde neighbor earlier , saying "I want you to come round tonight and fuck me stupid".
Paddy says she can Piss off , Nobody calls me names then asks for a favor.
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 15, 2021 17:10:05 GMT
My girlfriend says I watch so much lesbian porn its becoming an obsession .
Or at least I imagine that's what she and her hot roommate talk about in the shower
|
|
|
|
Post by lika on Feb 15, 2021 19:27:47 GMT
I gave my missus a bouquet of roses for Valentines Day.
She said "Aw, thanks, I love you loads Honeybear"
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"What, no nickname for me"? she asked
I swear she's going fucking deaf.
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 15, 2021 22:18:00 GMT
young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
|
|
|
|
Post by mallyboppa on Feb 15, 2021 22:20:19 GMT
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
|
|
