Post by bungo@mabungo on Dec 27, 2020 10:14:01 GMT
It's late on a Friday afternoon and an old man walks in to a jewellers with a hot, blonde, 20-something on his arm.
"Show me your diamond rings", he exclaims. The shop assistant presents a tray of diamond rings. The old man picks out the biggest one and the blonde's eyes light up. "How much?" he asks. "£10k" the assistant replies.
"Have you got anything bigger?", says the old man. The shop assistant reaches under the counter and pulls out a large velvet box. He opens the box and nestled inside it is a huge diamond ring. "That's more like it. We'll take it!", says the old man as he turns to the blonde. She flashes a smile at him, her eyes glinting as she giggles, and snuggles in to the old man, pushing her large, firm breasts against body.
"That's £100k. How would you like to pay?" asks the assistant. "Here's a cheque", he replies, adding, "As it's so big you can have the cheque now but I'll have to phone my bank on Monday morning to ensure they clear it, and we'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
Monday comes and the cheque bounces. Worse than that, the bank advise that the old man has no money in his account. The shop assistant phones the old man up in a rage and says, "What the heck is going on, you've got absolutely zero funds in your account!?"
"Forget about that", chuckles the old man, "Let me tell you about my weekend...".
Post by bungo@mabungo on Dec 27, 2020 10:19:40 GMT
A traveller comes across a remote monastery whilst seeking shelter from a storm. Once inside he is greeted warmly by the monks who invite him to dinner.
In the large banquet hall all the monks are sat on long benches and tables eating dinner. One monk calls out "56!" to which there is some polite laughter. Another calls out "127!" to which there are some hearty chuckles.
Confused, the traveller asks what is going on. The monk next to him says, "we've all been here so long we just give jokes numbers and we all know what that joke is".
Impressed, the traveller shouts "869!". The room erupts with laughter, fists bang on the table and tears stream down their faces. The traveller asks what is so funny about that joke, the monk replies:
A Catholic priest, a Jewish Rabbi and a buddhist monk were having breakfast together and putting the universe to rights when all of a sudden the Priest dropped his butter knife and let out a huge gasp of shock and disbelief.
The others were concerned and asked him what was wrong ?
He crossed himself and said in a state of shock and happiness " Look, there is the face of Jesus in the margarine ".
The Rabbi looked and saw the face clearly and was also caught up in the joy of the moment and jumped up and gave the priest a hug and they both stood there laughing and smiling with joy and spiritual fulfilment.
The Buddhist monk however looked at the margarine and burst out crying !!
"Whats wrong" asked the other two with concern !!
The monk looked up at them through his teary eyes then stared back at the visage in the margarine and said " I can believe its not buddha " :-)
I went to Thailand and came so close to sleeping with a lady boy. She looked like a girl talked like a girl even walked like a girl. It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the car space I thought hang on a second.
4 Husbands The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it) She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."