Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 5:37:55 GMT
Since mums cancer dx my mind has been awash with huge amount of everything.. my future being one .. without mum..
I am highly aware that the last couple of years has been survived by mums input and without it I probably would have been destitute.. and for that I am very grateful. I keep mentally slapping myself in the face and telling myself not to worry, stop being silly, am a big girl now.. it really is time to be a proper grown up but I see my future so clearly and when I see it I have this inner level of anxiety climbing up my chest to my throat and it feels sometimes like its going to choke me..
But there has been a little twinkle last couple of days.. whether survival will come of it, who knows, and I check myself because it can sound a little selfish.. then I wonder if its just pure human reaction to a situation I cannot control... something to soften the blow.. a mental stepping stone.. Freedom!!
I suppose since mum moved down this way to be closer to me I have been a little hemmed in and as mum got older/poorlier I obviously had to make decisions which involved someone else. My daughter has moved on and living her own life and when mum finally leaves us, I will be free.. noone to consider other than my animals and they are easier to slot into change than people sometimes.
So.. why do I dread the future.. I am someone who has always been resourceful and somehow I have managed.. sometimes the thought of being on the streets brings a sense of relief, because the worry and anxiety of keeping a roof over my head is becoming far too overwhelming but I know that I wouldnt survive.. for long anyway..
Sorry .. unable to get back to sleep, its getting nearer awake time and I dont see point of trying.. another cuppa tea and an early walk with the dog!!
Thanks for listening .. just wanted to get that out there..
CT x
I am highly aware that the last couple of years has been survived by mums input and without it I probably would have been destitute.. and for that I am very grateful. I keep mentally slapping myself in the face and telling myself not to worry, stop being silly, am a big girl now.. it really is time to be a proper grown up but I see my future so clearly and when I see it I have this inner level of anxiety climbing up my chest to my throat and it feels sometimes like its going to choke me..
But there has been a little twinkle last couple of days.. whether survival will come of it, who knows, and I check myself because it can sound a little selfish.. then I wonder if its just pure human reaction to a situation I cannot control... something to soften the blow.. a mental stepping stone.. Freedom!!
I suppose since mum moved down this way to be closer to me I have been a little hemmed in and as mum got older/poorlier I obviously had to make decisions which involved someone else. My daughter has moved on and living her own life and when mum finally leaves us, I will be free.. noone to consider other than my animals and they are easier to slot into change than people sometimes.
So.. why do I dread the future.. I am someone who has always been resourceful and somehow I have managed.. sometimes the thought of being on the streets brings a sense of relief, because the worry and anxiety of keeping a roof over my head is becoming far too overwhelming but I know that I wouldnt survive.. for long anyway..
Sorry .. unable to get back to sleep, its getting nearer awake time and I dont see point of trying.. another cuppa tea and an early walk with the dog!!
Thanks for listening .. just wanted to get that out there..
CT x
Its just something that I do.. anticipate all possibilities then they are no surprise should any of them happen.. think I have almost exhausted all possibilities, its time to learn to put them aside for now 
